An Update

After having a horrible night earlier this week filled with panic attacks and fear, I decided to call my midwife and talk to her about what was going on.  I hadn't seen my midwives yet because they don't work on Fridays and it just so happened that my labs from last week were received on a Friday and the OB who oversees the midwives was the one to read them and have me come in.  I don't know much about this man and he was very nice, but everything he said sounded scary to me as I sat at home and pondered it more.  Everything sounded like a problem.  The fears overwhelmed me and I was having legitimate panic attacks the morning after that long night so I decided to call my midwife and speak to her about her take on all this.  I'm SO glad I did. 

She explained to me what was going on.  Basically, the pregnancy is ending (I know that sounds horrible....there's no nice way to say it.....I've tried to think of a better way) but until it finally does, my hCG levels will slowly rise.  Once everything is over, my hCG levels will drop.  That drop in hormones is what will trigger my body to miscarry.  And until then......I wait.

The waiting is horrible.  It feels weird to look at a calendar and know how many weeks I'm pregnant.  The weeks keep going......and I'm still pregnant.....but those weeks don't measure anything except strung out loss now.

Knowing to expect a miscarriage is unexplainable.  Its like preparing for a nightmare.  But its the preparing part that feels so weird.  I have an urgent need to clean my house and keep it clean knowing that at some point, my family will be in and out, caring for my children when I will be physically unavailable to them and my husband will be supporting me.  I think of things such as the need to get some disposable diapers for Kian so that my family doesn't have to deal with cloth.  I want to wash and fold laundry so my mom won't have to if she's taking care of the kids.  Sadly, these feelings are nesting.  In no way do they feel different from when I nested before the births of our other 3 children.  I wanted the house ready for people to be coming in and out.  I wanted things organized and easy to find because I knew other people would be caring for our kids.  Its very sad to feel this nesting feeling....a feeling I know VERY well.....but know that this time around, it comes because we're preparing for a loss and not an addition. 

You may wonder why I write these things....why I am fine about being open with this intimate state of life we are in right now.  For one, I am not ashamed one bit about this.  I am honored to carry this baby, even knowing what the outcome will be.  Knowing I will never see it or touch it.  It has left a mark on my heart that will never leave, and for that I am proud and honored.  I want to tell people of that mark on my heart because I love it.  Another reason is that I want this journaled.  This is my life, recorded for my children.  This is their sibling.  This is part of their story and I want them to know it.  And lastly, if anyone gains from my writings, I'll be happy.  I hate how miscarriage is perceived a lot of the time.  Early miscarriages are often considered a "medical problem" and this view makes women suffering this great loss feel as if they shouldn't be feeling loss at all.  An early loss IS a true loss.  Its a loss of dreams.  Its a loss of a child.  And no one should feel that their loss isn't significant or valid. 
The Lord knew this child's name before he or she entered my womb, and a child named by God is certainly NOT a medical problem.

Isaiah 49:1 Before I was born the LORD called me; from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name.