Life Now

.....is crazy.   Bottom line.   Period.

I have started a post about our "news" 2 other times now.  First it was a pregnancy announcement post.  Then is was a post on loss as I started to miscarry.  Now, I don't know WHAT it is.

We found out I was expecting our fourth baby near the end of May.  We were beyond thrilled.  The kids were beyond thrilled.  But by mid June, problems started.  I was loosing the baby.  The grief was horrible.  We spent a weekend holed up in our house...just us....just dealing.  It was really good and by the beginning of the next week, I was feeling like I was coming up for air.  Things moved forward, the physical pains went away, I helped work on plans for my Nana's memorial.  The loss was still quite near, but I could function.   But by the end of the week, things went wrong again.  The Dr. called to tell me I was still pregnant, but something was very wrong.  My HCG levels (which measure the pregnancy hormones in women) were not declining as is normal in a miscarriage.  But they were also not doubling as in a normal pregnancy.  They were consistently rising, but painfully slowly.  Dr. feared an ectopic pregnancy and wanted me in for an ultrasound.  He told me it could be "life threatening".  Of course, I got off the phone with him in shear panic.  My husband was on the road somewhere about 3 hours away from us.  I was just leaving for the church as it was the day before my Nana's memorial.  And there stood my 3 sweet kids.  One with a fever.  

"Life threatening"......it rang in my head like an alarm that I couldn't stop.  I called Zac, who was stuck in construction traffic.  I called my mom.  She dropped everything, told me to drop the kids with the family at the church and she'd go to the ultrasound with me.  How would I ever drop the kids?  I didn't know.  "Life threatening" was still ringing in my ears and I was more scared than I may have ever been before.

Not knowing what to expect I threw diapers, lovies, clothes, and jammies into a bag for the kids.  I somehow said goodbye to them at the church.  It helped that my pastor's wife whisked them away for ice cream and toys.  We are a good drive from the hospital, which was followed by a good wait for the ultrasound.  Of course the tech isn't allowed to say anything so that was followed by a long wait at my midwives' office at closing time.  Thankfully, because of all that waiting, Zac arrived minutes before the Dr. walked in with the news.

And what was the news?   .......  He didn't know.  He felt comfortable to send me home thinking that I wasn't in danger.  It did not look ectopic though he couldn't rule that out completely.  I was told to return with any abnormal pain on one side.  Technically, I'm still pregnant, with what the Dr. thinks is an "abnormal pregnancy" based on my HCG levels.  He thinks I will most likely miscarry.  He believes my body has been trying to already, which is why I thought I already had.  Could there be a chance the pregnancy will survive?  Yes....slightly..... but he really doesn't think so.

That happened the day before my Nana's memorial service....on our 11th wedding anniversary.

So here I sit.   I feel like a ticking bomb.  Without going into too much personal nitty gritty info, every symptom, or every end of a symptom, is confusing.  I heard miscarriages are painful and initially thought I had been lucky with minor symptoms.  Now, knowing it hasn't even really started yet, I fear the worst is yet to come.  I keep bracing myself.  I also fear my body won't do what it needs to and intervention will be needed.  I also wonder what will happen if my HCG levels continue to slowly creep up at my next draw later this week.  I try to not get my hopes up that a miracle will happen and against most odds my HCG levels will suddenly double.  But its hard to not get hope when I also can't yet mourn.   Or mourn again....since we already went through all those emotions once.  I feel like I'm sitting in limbo.

We so wanted this child.  And whatever the outcome, we feel blessed to have had this child, even if for a short time.  We don't question what God's doing.  We feel our children are really His.  We have faith and peace with His plan.  We know He knows this child's name already, and that brings me more comfort than anything.  And while in this limbo time, I pray He gives me strength and prepares me for the end of this journey.