In My Humanness

I have been reading the blog Raising Arrows, and in it she had a post titled the same as mine where she talked about her struggle with the longings that come from being human, while still clinging to God and His plan.  I loved how raw, open, and honest she was in her post, and I wanted to share some of my raw self with you too.  I think its important to acknowledge the normalcy of grief, and share it. 

I am having one of my "hard nights" tonight.  They come about once a week and I grieve for my lost baby.  They always catch me off guard, but I always embrace them as it feels good to grieve.  The only thing I can do for our lost babe is grieve it, and remember.  So tonight, I do. 

In my humanness, I ACHE to feel a baby move inside me. 

In my humanness, I know how many weeks I'd be if I was still pregnant.  I know what stage of growth the baby would be at.  I don't need to read books to know what I'd be feeling and how the baby would have grown by now.  I've done it enough times that my body innately knows those milestones.  I grieve those milestone weeks passed and unmet.

In my humanness, I sometimes feel a sharp twinge when I'm counting heads at the park and feel like I'm missing someone even once I count to 3.  And then there in the park, it all floods back.

In my humanness, I love when my daughter asks again why the baby in my tummy died, because then I get to talk about it....acknowledge it.....know it was there.....know it happened.....say it existed.

In my humanness, hearing "you've got your hands full" for the umpteenth time feels a bit sad, as they really do feel emptier than I had expected.

In my humanness, I want to hear people ask when we plan to have more, like they asked after Logan was born, and like a few asked after Felicity was born.  This is the longest stretch we've had between babies but no one notices like when you only had one or two.  People assume you don't want more.  And I want more.

In my humanness, I long to be pregnant again.

In my humanness, I want it to happen this month.

God, forgive me for my humanness.  Forgive me for wanting.  Please help me to remain patient for Your perfect timing and Your perfect plan.  And thank you for so many daily reminders of the one forever in my heart.