Last Wednesday I got my blood drawn again and my midwife called me that evening with the results. Not only had my hCGs finally lowered, they had plummeted. Because of how low my numbers were, she said everything was done. But how can that be? Nothing had happened. She had no idea. Weeks ago, after having an ultrasound that showed a gestational sack in my womb, I was sent home to miscarry. I was told what to expect and what to take for the pain. We waited for that "nightmare" to occur and knew that afterwards, we'd start to focus on healing and moving forward, which of course we couldn't do while in that limbo stage. We waited....and waited....and waited. Nothing. Then, I get a phone call saying its done.
This was very shocking. I felt like I was suddenly just told to move forward and I was shoved into a new phase of this journey because my midwife on the phone told me so. I was so confused as here I've been sitting around waiting for the typical miscarriage. Though, nothing about this miscarriage has been typical. She said that she knew it was hard to hear, but they have no idea why this happened the way it did. I asked if I could have miscarried when I originally thought I had, but my numbers continue to rise as my body thought I was still pregnant. She couldn't say for sure. Though that wouldn't explain why the gestational sack showed up on the ultra sound a week after that. She said a very small percentage of women's bodies will reabsorb the pregnancy. But she honestly could not tell me what happened.
We put so much faith and trust in medical professionals to know what's best for us, to know exactly how the body works, and to know what we need. But truly, our complete faith needs to be with the ultimate Healer. God knows EXACTLY what happened inside my womb, and why. He knows the EXACT moment my little one left my womb and entered Heaven. And the lack of this knowledge from the medical professionals makes me see God's power even more.
So, we've now started healing and learning how to move forward.
The other day, as I watched my husband play with our kids in the pool, I thought about what a wonderful father he is. I thought about how blessed my kids are to be held in his arms. Later that night, I realized that yes, my children here with me on earth have an amazing father to hold them. And they are so blessed! But our sweet Heaven baby has the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, our Father in Heaven, holding him or her in His arms. Our Heaven baby is the one who is blessed most, for he or she is being cradled in the arms of The Father.
After 5 years of being a stay-at-home mom, I found the wonder of mothering slowly starting to get crowded out by the mundane feeling. I realized our world seems to surround people with the negative, and complaining about blessings seems totally acceptable. So I decided to fight against that "normalcy" and focus only on the positive. I look back to my first year as a mom when everything was new and keeping house was fun and I aim to have that attitude again. This blog is my outlet to showcase the daily miracles that surround me in my blessed life as a stay-at-home mom so that I will never forget the wonder of it all.