Hardest Mom Moment Yet

Logan is going on 6 and with that age is coming some insecurities and fears that unfortunately, the nature of our sinful world has a way of doing.  I think 5 is a coming of age, age.  He is no longer a little child.  His mind is growing.  He understands loss heavier than his 3 year old sister, yet is still so confused by the finality of it.  He loves so hugely, but has sadly seen someone special, whom he loves dearly, make horrible decisions which has separated that person from us during this time.  That is something we don't want, but we can't control the choices of others.  And for a 5 year old, a loved one leaving is hard to understand. 
I don't know if it's his age, or certain uncertainties he's experienced this year, but today he was convinced that I didn't love him.  I had just disciplined him for a minor offense......an offense he knows the rules to very well and knew he'd get in trouble for.  However, after I disciplined him, he just could not get over it.  We warned him about changing his attitude when he came over to me and said he didn't like me and I didn't love him.  Tears were streaming down his face, and I was having a hard time holding mine in.  What a blow.  I was stunned.  I took him in my arms and it took me a good half hour to convince him that I loved him.  After a good talk, my worst mom moment ever was turned into a very wonderful mom moment when (finally believing me) he asked me why I loved him.  After I made a huge list, he asked again, just wanting to hear it being said.  After that, he asked a third time, again just wanting to hear it.  After that, he told ME why I loved him. 
I remember being his age and after being disciplined, I thought for sure my mom's love for me had lessened.  I remember this so very vividly.  I was convinced that now that I had screwed up, she wouldn't love me as much as my sisters.  I could not understand how one person would have enough room in their heart to love me (especially when I screwed up) as well as lots of other people.  This was exactly what Logan was thinking today too.  I remember that pain, and I hate that Logan had that pain.  I hate wondering if I've not noticed some anxiety in him lately.  I hate that we've been busy and maybe he just needed a hug more often and more reassurance and I just didn't know! 
It was so very emotionally difficult to reassure him, while being so hurt for him that he felt so insecure.  Seriously, God gave me the words to tell him because they were NOT of me.  They were God's perfect words that we BOTH needed to hear in that moment, and I'm so thankful that God is my loving Father who will never stop loving me or my children.

Logan, you asked why I love you.  I love you because;

you are so very compassionate for others in pain,

you so badly want to be accepted, that you often are too timid to participate (just like me),

you love so hugely and deeply,

you love to snuggle Daddy and I at night,

you talk constantly when Lissy and Kian are asleep, soaking up every minute of my undivided attention,

you love God's creation and always give Him the credit for it,

you sing Kian to sleep when he's having a hard time,

you and Kian sometimes goof off after bedtime....laughing, being silly, and bonding as brothers,

you have amazing freckles, :)

you run so freely through the waves at the beach,

you are amazed and excited about everything from ambulances, to woodpeckers, to instruments,

you decided on your own to gift some cars you outgrew to your sister,

you are very giving,

you never let us forget to pray, whether at mealtime, bed time, when passing an accident on the road, or whenever someone is suffering.....from a small scrape, to sickness, to emotional turmoil,

you love every single thing I sew for you and see it as a token of my love for you,

you are distressed when people are hurting,

you rock out so freely.

I will love you more tomorrow.  I will love new things about you every day.  I am honored to watch you grow.  I love you because God chose you out of all the baby boys, just for me.  I love you because you grew and kicked inside me.  I loved you before you took your first breath.  I adored you the minute I held you fresh from my womb.  I love you because you are not only my son, but because you are also my brother in Christ.  I will be honored to spend eternity with you and our Father who loves us even more than we love each other. 

I LOVE YOU!

Shortly after Logan was reassured and off working on a project with Zac, Felicity came running up to me and told me, once again, how she loved my necklace.  I instantly took it off and let her wear it.  Inside, I felt like I was saying "Here, take it.  Take everything.  Just know that I love you."  That must be how our Heavenly Father felt as He hung on the cross.  Take everything.  Just know that I love you.